


Cold and Broken

by gay_writes_with_mac



Category: Ghostbusters (2016)
Genre: Asperger Syndrome, Autistic Jillian Holtzmann, Fluff, Gen, Nightmares, Protect Holtz, Sensitivity, Song: Hallelujah, Songfic, Triggers, erin is the mom friend, foster kid holtz, insecure holtz, meds are a bitch, platonic fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-23
Updated: 2019-10-23
Packaged: 2020-12-28 22:29:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21144263
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gay_writes_with_mac/pseuds/gay_writes_with_mac
Summary: Holtz has been doing it alone for a long, long time. But she's not sure how much longer she can hang on.





	Cold and Broken

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic for this fandom! I'm pretty new but I hope I did okay! Follow my tumblr @majestic-mother-macaroni for Ghostbusters and theatre alike!

_ Well I've heard there was a secret chord _

It’s not easy to breathe some days.

_ That David played and it pleased the Lord _

Holtz cranks up the volume on her speakers and slams around her equipment until the noise around her is somewhat comparable to the noise in her head. 

_ But you don't really care for music, do you? _

It doesn’t really help.

_ Well it goes like this: _

The explosions barely surprise her anymore. She’s become a literal grenade as well as a metaphorical one, that’s all.

_ The fourth, the fifth, the minor fall and the major lift _

Holtz doesn’t miss the looks the other three give her when they think she’s too wrapped up in her work to notice. She doesn’t really understand what those looks mean, but she knows it’s nothing good. Not how she wants her new friends - no, new _ family _to think of her.

_ The baffled king composing Hallelujah _

“To love is what you have...shown me…” Holtz cringes every time she remembers her clunky attempt to verbalize the rolling hamster ball of emotions building up inside somewhere she’s pretty sure is her heart every time Abby wraps an arm around her, or Erin braids her hair away from her face while she’s working, or Patty pulls her away from the lab for a few moments to eat.

_ Hallelujah _

_ Hallelujah _

_ Hallelujah _

_ Hallelujah _

She’s too awkward. Can’t ever say what she feels without making herself look even stranger. But she can’t keep herself from trying.

_ Well, your faith was strong but you needed proof _

Never good enough. No matter what she builds, it’s never good enough. Never good enough to make her feel like she belongs on the team. 

_ You saw her bathing on the roof _

They keep her around for her machines. Or at least that’s the feeling she can’t shake. So Holtz pushes herself ever harder, building into the dead of night, always going harder, more dangerous, more unstable. Anything to hear them gush over what she’s built this time, anything to feel the rush of reassurance that comes from knowing she’s pleased them enough to keep her around for a few more days.

_ Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew ya _

Her hands ache from the burns, and a thin bald spot is slowly spreading across the back of her scalp from all the radiation. Holtz adjusts the way she pins her heaping pile of blonde curls against her head to hide it and keeps working.

_ She tied you to her kitchen chair _

An explosion sends glass shattering, slicing her forehead open from between her nose to her temple. Holtz stops working long enough to swipe the hot scarlet from her eyes and tie a bandana around the cut. Then she dives back into her latest project.

_ And she broke your throne and she cut your hair _

Erin asks why Holtz always wears her yellow safety goggles, and although it didn’t sound mean, Holtz abandons them on her work bench anyway, trying not to wince too much when the sun burns her eyes and gives her a headache. Being alone would be worse than any headache.

_ And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah _

She has nightmares almost every night, nightmares where she’s dangling out the window again, a hand closing around her sensitive throat, except she can’t tell if it’s Rowan doing it, or if it’s really, truly Abby who’s trying to get rid of her. Patty asks where the bruises on her throat come from, why she looks so much more tired now, and as tempting as it is to let her in, to tell her about waking up in a panicked sweat every night, tangled in the sheets and clutching at her throat, she can’t. Abby might be hurt, and then she wouldn’t want to be friends anymore, and then she’ll be all alone again. 

_ Hallelujah _

_ Hallelujah _

_ Hallelujah _

_ Hallelujah _

It’s just like with the foster families. All thirteen of them.

_ But baby, I've been here before _

Bouncing around and around, unwanted. Her real parents hadn’t wanted her, leaving her on the doorstep of the hospital in a thin blanket with no note and no name other than a dogtag that read _ Holtzmann. _Her “parents” hadn’t wanted her, family after family turning her back in to the caseworker that called her Jessica instead of Jillian and dumped her anywhere they would take her, even for a night or two. And now her friends don’t want her either. She’s certain of it.

_ I've seen this room and I've walked this floor _

Holtz pushes a desk against the window closest to her lab, just in case, and doesn’t say anything. She doesn’t complain when Erin teasingly tugs on her curls, even though the pulling makes her skin crawl and her hands tremble. She takes her meds as secretly as she can, burying empty pill bottles under the top layer of trash in the can and sneaking them into her mouth whenever she’s escaped her friends’ notice for a few moments.

_ You know, I used to live alone before I knew ya _

Until one day, when she makes to shake her Prozac out of the orange bottle and is met with nothing.

_ And I've seen your flag on the marble arch _

They put her on the SSRI when she was fourteen and had a full-on breakdown during a thunderstorm, shaking behind the dryer for hours despite a litany of pleas, threats, and bribes to coax her out. Without it, her hands shake, her eyes water, the smallest noises make her jump, and every single one of her triggers doubles in severity.

_ And love is not a victory march _

She doesn’t say anything. Instead she goes up to her lab, silently begging her trembling hands to hold steady. 

_ It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah _

Something slips, and then pain, so much pain, burning heat ravaging her sensitive neck. Holtz screams, screams at the top of her lungs, falling hard to her knees as her whole body shakes, burying her head in her hands as hot tears sting her face, flowing down her cheeks. She wails again, getting a little relief from the pain when she lets herself cry out, spots dancing across her vision from clutching her face, the pain still gnawing on the delicate skin of her neck.

_ Hallelujah _

_ Hallelujah _

_ Hallelujah _

_ Hallelujah _

“Holtzy, baby…? Oh, God, Holtzy!”

_ Well there was a time when you let me know _

Warm arms wrapped around her, a body that can only be Patty squeezing her close, enveloping her in comforting pressure. Holtz hears her scream for Abby and Erin, but only just, her ears ringing. Patty sounds very far away.

_ What's really going on below _

“Shh...shh, Holtzy, baby...I gotcha…” Patty tightens her grip around Holtz, careful to keep from touching her neck as she wraps the smaller woman up into the strongest hug she can muster. “I gotcha…” And it’s nice and safe and warm in Patty’s arms, the pressure taking the worst of the edge of the crashing wave of panic that hit at the pain in her throat. Holtz burrows a little into her, unable to hold back the tears as her hands shake uncontrollably.

_ But now you never show it to me, do you? _

Pounding footsteps, and then more hands, combing at her hair. Normally, the tugging would only throw her off for a moment, give her a second’s shakiness, a hint of discomfort, her skin crawling for a few minutes. But in the heightened state of hypersensitivity, even gentle tugs are enough to make Holtz feel as if ants are swarming her skin, and she wails louder, curling further back into Patty.

_ But remember when I moved in you _

“Erin, stop!” Patty’s voice, urgent and non-negotiable. “You’re hurting her!” The hands instantly pull back, and Holtz relaxes the slightest bit, still clutching the sleeve of Patty’s soft shirt. “I gotcha, Holtzy, baby, I gotcha...you just cry as long as you need, you hear me? I ain’t going nowhere, baby.”

_ And the holy dove was moving too _

_ Baby… _ Holtz is someone’s baby. Patty’s voice is warm with love and something else that Holtz can’t quite place, her hands holding her securely in her lap. That word, _ baby, _hits her hard somewhere down deep and her face scrunches up of its own accord as she chokes out another sob into Patty’s shirt.

_ And every breath we drew was Hallelujah _

Patty, true to her word, doesn’t go anywhere, and Holtz can sense Abby’s and Erin’s presence as well, even if they aren’t touching her. They seem too scared of hurting her, or maybe they’re just grossed out by her reddened face and snotty nose. But she’s not alone, and that’s all that matters in this moment.

_ Hallelujah _

_ Hallelujah _

_ Hallelujah _

_ Hallelujah _

When her sobs die to sniffles, Patty gently touches her cheek, tilting her chin up slightly. “Holtzy, baby, your neck...that’s a nasty burn.”

Holtz just sniffs in response, wiping her eyes on her stained sleeves. “We should get it clean,” Erin murmurs, one hand hovering nervously a few inches from Holtz’s shoulder. “And some antibiotics...Holtz, I have some cream that’ll help with the pain…”

With a little wail of fear, Holtz ducks back into the safety of Patty’s lap, one arm held up defensively to protect her neck. Patty heaves a sigh above her, running a hand lightly down Holtz’s trembling back. “Holtzy, baby, it’s gotta be done. You can pick who you want to do it, all right?”

_ Maybe there's a God above _

Holtz shakes her head rapidly, wincing as the movement aggravates the pain in her neck. _ Don’t touch it don’t touch it don’t touch it- _

Patty’s hand goes under her chin again, gently tilting her head back up. Her voice is soft, but firm as she gazes directly into Holtz’s teary blue eyes. “Holtzy, it’s gotta be done. You want me to do it, or Erin, or Abby?”

Holtz almost points to Patty, but stops at the last minute. She’ll only be able to hold still if she’s in Patty’s arms for this. Slowly, her hand shaking so hard she can barely manage to point, she indicates Erin, immediately drawing back into Patty. Erin has the softest hands, hands not roughened by engineering or working with metal. And Holtz can’t even imagine Abby touching her neck, especially not like this, not now...

_ But all I've ever learned from love _

“Okay. Okay, Erin, get whatever you need. Abby, hold her head steady, you know she’s gonna squirm.” Patty draws a shaking Holtz closer, pressing a light kiss to the top of her head. “Just a minute, Holtzy, and then I’ll get you all the Pringles you can eat, all right? Just gotta get through this, and then it’ll be okay.”

Abby’s calloused hands gently encircle her face, cupping Holtz’s cheek lightly as she tilts her head to expose the reddened, blistered burns. At the contact, Holtz sobs weakly, tugging faintly at Abby’s wrists to pull her off. “Sorry, Holtz,” Abby murmurs, tightening her grip to keep her head steady. “You’re not guilt-tripping me, not today.”

_ Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew ya _

And Abby’s fingers brush her neck, and every muscle in Holtz’s body tenses like she’s been stabbed, fresh tears pouring down her cheeks as she blinks helplessly up at Abby. She’s reminded so much of that day, dangling helplessly out the window, Abby’s mood ring digging into her sensitive skin the exact same way, and her body screams at her to fight, but all she can do is cry, her eyes flashing with fear as Erin approaches with a cotton swab and a tube of cream.

_ And it's not a cry that you hear at night _

She screams when they touch her neck. Erin is gentle, but it doesn’t matter. Holtz screams until Patty presses a hand over her mouth to prevent a 911 call from a concerned neighbor, and then she screams into Patty’s hand, her skin crawling like it’s swarming with stinging bugs as she thrashes as much as she can against her friends’ arms.

_ It's not somebody who's seen the light _

Finally, Erin pulls back, sighing a little. “I’d like to bandage it, but we all know she’ll just claw it right off. That’s the best I can do. I’m all done, Holtz.”

Sore from fighting, exhausted from her meltdown, and aching all over inside and out, Holtz barely manages a limp nod, letting her head loll on Patty’s shoulder. “You did good, Holtzy, baby,” Patty reassures her. “You did real good. You wanna go lie down on the couch and take a little nap before we talk? You look tired, baby.”

Holtz shakes her head quickly, wincing at the thought of sleeping off her meds. “Okay,” Erin murmurs, letting her fingers gently brush Holtz’s shoulder hesitantly. “You think you can talk now…?”

“She’s not gonna be talking for a bit, Erin,” Patty says softly, and Holtz’s eyes widen a little in surprise. It’s not often that people can sense when she’s gone nonverbal. Patty draws Holtz closer to her, careful to avoid her hair and her neck. “Holtzy, baby, you just let us know when you’ re ready to talk, okay? We ain’t going nowhere; we’re here long as you need, all three of us.”

_ It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah _

Holtz almost believes it.

It’s another hour before she manages to stammer out “Can - can talk now…” from inside Patty’s strong embrace. She picks her head up slowly, still not ready to pull away. “Can talk…”

_ Hallelujah _

_ Hallelujah _

_ Hallelujah _

_ Hallelujah _

_You say I took the name in vain_

“Atta girl,” Patty says softly, rubbing her back lightly. “What happened, baby? What _ happened?” _

_ I don't even know the name _

“I’m off my meds.”

The words fall heavy from her mouth, leaving bitterness behind. “Off an important one. Ran out this morning. Messes me up pretty bad.”

Holtz lowers her eyes, unable to look at any of them. She’s certain that they’ll be mad, irritated that she didn’t say anything, disappointed that they’ve been watching her break down over something entirely her own fault. 

For a moment, silence.

_ But if I did, well, really, what's it to you? _

Then Erin nods, sitting back a little. “Which one? If you have a prescription, I can go get it for you.”

“Can’t ask-” Holtz starts to protest, but Erin cuts her off cleanly. “There’s a CVS across the block, it’ll take five minutes. What do you need?”

Flushing a little, Holtz focuses on the floorboards.

_There's a blaze of light in every word_

“Prozac.”

Before any of them can ask, Holtz continues mechanically. “It’s for anxiety. Keeps me calm. Without it…” She indicates the burn on her neck, pain fading slightly due to Erin’s ministrations. “Already sensitive on my neck. No Prozac...no serotonin...bad. Very bad.”

“You never said anything about anxiety!” Abby exclaims incredulously, her eyes widening to the size of half-dollars, and Holtz is just about to assume the worst, that this is it, that it’s all over, when she continues. “Jesus, Holtz, I had no idea! Why didn’t you say something? I could have helped! Oh, Holtz, all this time…”

“Is that all that’s going on…?” Erin asks softly, gently resting her hand on Holtz’s knee. “Or is there something else…?”

Holtz cracks a weak smile at that, leaning back against Patty.

_ It doesn't matter which you heard _

“Yeah. Yeah, I don’t have, like, an anxiety disorder. I have Asperger’s. Anxiety was a bonus upgrade I definitely did not ask for.” Holtz forces another thin smile, trying to sound at least a little bit like her normal self. “‘S why you can’t pull my hair...or touch my neck...why I wear the goggles...I’m _ stupid _sensitive to light, gives me a headache, makes my eyes hurt…’n why I sound like an idiot whenever I open my mouth…”

_ The holy or the broken Hallelujah _

Holtz sighs, burying her head in her hands. “So. Yeah. Yeah, I’m a wreck.”

_ Hallelujah _

_ Hallelujah _

_ Hallelujah _

_ Hallelujah _

_ I did my best, it wasn't much _

“Oh, baby…” Patty sighs, her hand rubbing slow circles on Holtz’s back. “You could’ve told us, you know. We could’ve helped out before now. What’d you think, we were gonna toss your skinny ass out on the street?”

Holtz stays silent, studying the floorboards once more. Patty sighs again, heavier this time. “That’s what you thought, isn’t it?”

Holtz barely manages a nod in response, a lump building in her throat for the third time today.

_ I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch _

“Holtz…” Abby reaches out as well, lacing her fingers through Holtz’s own shaking ones. “We’re never gonna do that to you, okay? It’s like what you said, we’re family now, and you’re not going anywhere. You’re staying right here with us, if you wanna stay. We’re never gonna kick you out.”

Heat rushing to her cheeks, Holtz traces a crack in the floorboards, her eyes stinging harder. “Thought...thought you thought I was weird...awkward...thought you only kept me around for...for the machines…”

“Bullshit,” Abby cuts in immediately, with Erin nodding emphatically beside her. “If I ever hear a load of shit like that leave your mouth again...we keep you around because we _ love you, _Holtzmann. Not for a couple of stupid machines. You could forget everything you know and you’d still have a place here, because we’re family, and family is about a damn sight more than machines.”

_ I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you _

At that Holtz sobs again, burying her face in her hands in a futile attempt to hide her tears. But this time she’s crying from sheer joy and relief, finally able to release some of the tension she’s carried since she first became a part of this weird, wacky, ridiculous family.

_ And even though it all went wrong _

Erin comes back from the CVS with her meds, an automated refill program for Holtz to prevent any more missed doses, and a tube of barbeque Pringles. “I’m sorry about the goggles,” she murmurs, handing Holtz her pill bottle. “And...anything else I did that made it worse. I’m sorry for all of it.”

And Holtz smiles and forgives as she chases down her pills with a glass of water and a handful of salty parabolas.

_ I'll stand before the Lord of Song _

The nightmares aren’t going to go away. She can sense that much. But she can talk about them. She can be honest about the bruises and the dark circles and even slip into a friend’s bed when the dark gets to be too much. And that knowledge alone frees her of a terrible, terrible burden.

_ With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah _

Finally, Holtz isn’t doing it alone.

_ Hallelujah. _


End file.
